As I shared in my post on Friday, there is no “one” secret to get to 43 years of marriage, and especially 43 years of a loving and still growing marriage. But there are some key factors, or secrets if you prefer, that can get you to 43, or 33, or 23, or 13 or to whatever is your next milestone. These factors/secrets may be able to restore a vibrancy to a passive marriage. They might be able to repair a wounded marriage. They maybe able to begin resurrecting a seemingly dead marriage. Or, they maybe able to give you some guidance as you begin a marriage.
For us, we will reach 43 in a few weeks, there has been some trial and error to get to this point. My hope is that some of what we have learned might help you, or someone you know.
So, here goes …
Commitment – no surprise with this factor/secret. We all knowingly nod our heads and say “Of course”. We all acknowledge that it takes commitment to make it 43 years, or even 13 years. What we too often miss is that commitment is simply a concept, the real issue is to act on that commitment. Many athletes say they are committed to win, but will they do the work in practice and offseason to win. That is when you move from the concept of commitment and begin to live the commitment. Many of us say we are committed to get in better physical condition and lose some weight, but how many of us follow through and do the work for more than a week.
Active commitment is not simply gritting your teeth and muttering “no matter what stupid thing he/she does I am going to stick it out”. Active commitment goes way beyond this level of hanging on in spite of your spouse.
Active commitment is being committed to the other person. Committed to loving them, no matter what circumstances come your way. It is being so committed to loving them that you choose not to get offended easily, because you love them too much to let an offense be a deal breaker. It is being committed to them and learning to love them. I loved my wife when we got married, but I didn’t know how to love her very well. I know her so much better now than I did when we said, “I do”. That knowledge helps me to lover her better than I did in the beginning.
Active commitment is being committed to having the best marriage you can possibly have. Your spouse has flaws, and you have flaws. We must remember that our spouse must deal with our flaws while we are dealing with theirs. In my case I am aware that my wife has a lot more to deal with because I have a lot more flaws than she does. Active commitment is understanding we are not perfect, but that we can have a good, very good, great or awesome marriage even with our flaws.
Active commitment means being committed to Christ first. I am a believer in, and follower of, Jesus Christ. My first commitment is to Christ. That commitment lifts my marriage as well. Because a follower of Christ loves and loves with the love of Christ, that includes in our marriage. As a follower of Christ, I know that means that my marriage and my relationship with my spouse is a big deal and that giving up on it is not to focused on.
Active commitment means being committed to those impacted by my marriage. That means my children. That means the spouses of my children. That means my grandchildren. That means my in-laws. I must consider that what impacts my marriage impacts all of them as well. My wife comes before all of them, but because of my commitment to her all of them matter and I must be committed to all the others as well.
How is your commitment? I am not asking if you say that you are committed to the marriage and to your spouse. I am asking if your commitment is active? Does your spouse know you are committed by how you act and what you say? Do the others who are impacted by your marriage know that you are actively committed?
If you want to have a marriage that lasts and grows, you must be actively committed.