(Part of a series of posts on things I wish I knew when I was beginning my ministry as a pastor)

Fortunately I learned quickly and I don’t think I did any irreparable harm. I have seen and heard people who really needed to learn, or at least just shut up before they caused some serious damage. I wish I knew how to minister to those who are grieving. I knew some of the typical phrases because I had heard them over the years. What I didn’t know is that some of those phrases are often do more harm than good.

The biggest lesson I have learned through the years on this one is the “ministry of presence”. I learned that much more than any words that are spoken, it is the presence of people who love and care that make the largest impact. The words are not unimportant or meaningless, but their impact falls far short of the power of just being there in a time of grief.

A personal experience that showed this to me was when my Mom died. Her funeral was a powerful service, but I don’t remember what was spoken. Many people (around 1,000) came through during the visitation hours and many kind things were said, of which I remember a few. What I remember vividly was how I felt when certain people showed up. Many of these people said some wonderful things, but their presence, and hugs, spoke so loudly to me it was often difficult to hear their words. One of those people was a friend from high school and college who came limping in, he had a broken leg and had driven 2 hours with his cast on. He said, “Your Mom was there for me at times in High School, I had to come.” Another was 2 older couples from the church I was pastoring. They drove at least 2 hours and said, “You have been there for us we had to come and be here for you.” I remember their words, but only because their words reinforced why they came.

Another experience that shined a spotlight on this principle was when I attended the funeral of a relative of someone in my church. I was unable to get to the visitation, I attended the funeral and there were so many people there that I didn’t even get to speak with the person from my church I was there to see. I saw them from a distance and gave a quick little wave. Later that week I heard from one of them as he expressed how much it meant to him that I showed up at the funeral. I wasn’t even able to speak with him and he said it made an impact on him that I was present at the funeral.

This doesn’t mean that we should say nothing in these circumstances, it just means that showing up will likely mean more than any words we can say. This principle also applies to many other areas of life. Beware of your words and practice more of the ministry of presence and you will do more for those who are grieving.

There are many ways to serve those who are grieving, but I believe the ministry of presence may be the most impactful way to serve.

Here’s hoping you have people present in your life and that you are able to make an impact this week by your presence in someone’s life.

Dennis

An area that I am really just starting to understand is the power of thanks. It is something I really wish I knew when I was beginning my ministry. I wish I knew how powerful a thank you is to those who serve in your church.

It is not that I didn’t know that a thank you was a good thing. I was taught at home that you express thanks to people who serve you and those who are kind to you. Growing up our home was one of thanks and I saw my Dad (who was a pastor for 44 years) thank people in the church. But I didn’t realize how much power there was in a thank you.

I have learned, and am still learning, that thanking those who serve in my church is vital and powerful. People respond to sincere thanks. People are often really moved when you acknowledge them with a thank you. We all appreciate someone thanking us when we do something for them. But there is something different about a sincere expression of thanks in the church.

I believe one reason for the power behind a thank you is that many people do not receive a thank you very often in their everyday lives. It seems that most people feel those who serve do not need thanks. While I am convinced most people who serve in the church do not do it for a thank you, they are still very appreciative of a thank you when it comes. There is another reason that I am convinced a thank you from a pastor makes a large impression. That reason is I believe that in the church too often we seem to demonstrate that those who attend owe their service to God and the church. The problem is that even though part of following Christ involves serving others we must never take it for granted.

A verbal thank you is good, especially when it is given in front of others. A written thank you is even more powerful. It can be handwritten or typed and printed. If it is typed make sure you personalize it in some way so it does not appear to be a mass thank you without any thought of the individual. A handwritten thank you is obviously personal and it shows that you took time out to show your appreciation.
No matter what method you use, make sure you give thanks to all who serve. It is also a great witness to those outside of the church. When you thank a clerk at a store, or a server in a restaurant or a policeman or fireman you make Christ and the church more attractive.

This week make a concerted effort to thank some people around you. Let them know you noticed their service and appreciate them. Watch what happens. I believe if you do this you will begin to learn what I have learned, that a thank you is a very powerful thing.

So let me say thanks for reading my blog. I write because I enjoy doing it and I hope it helps someone along the way. So thank you.

Here’s hoping you have a thankful week.

Dennis

When I was starting out in ministry I wish I knew that your spouse will often feel left out. My wife and I work together in ministry as well as anyone I know. But that has often not been enough to prevent my wife from feeling like she doesn’t fit in anywhere.

My wife is very talented musically and has been involved with some aspect of music ministry in every church in which I have pastored. She has led many, many Ladies Bible Studies and does well at this ministry. She has led Wednesday night Children’s ministries, she has worked as a youth sponsor for many years, she has led Women’s ministries, she has worked as the secretary for the church and has always tried to get people connected to other people in the church. I am probably leaving out a few areas of ministry in which she has served. The point is, she is not a mild, hide in the corner type of person, and still she feels like she doesn’t have a place in which she fits.

I vividly remember the first time I felt the impact of her pain. We were attending a ministry conference. In one of the general sessions the speaker asked for all senior pastors to stand, then all staff ministers to stand and then for all laypersons to stand. The speaker asked us to look around us and see that everyone is standing and that it takes all of these people for the church to be the church. I began to look around and saw that my wife was not standing. In fact as she remained seated I noticed that she was crying. I sat down beside her and asked what was wrong, and why she wasn’t standing. (Did I mention that I don’t have the gift of discernment?) Her answer baffled me at first then it hit me hard. She said “I don’t fit in anywhere. I am not a senior pastor, I am not a staff pastor and I am not a layperson. Where do I fit?”

As you read this, some of you might be trying to argue that my wife should feel like a pastor, or a staff minister. Many of you would attempt to argue that she is a very involved layperson. You would be wrong. She certainly ministers and fills huge ministry needs, but she would not be considered a pastor and I believe that any pastor’s spouse would agree that they do not consider themselves a layperson. Are you getting the picture? Can you begin to feel her pain at all?

People often have high expectations for the spouse of a pastor. Many of those expectations are not realistic, but they are evident nonetheless. People view the pastor’s spouse differently than they view each other. These feelings for my wife are more intense whenever we have changed churches. It takes a while for her to find her bearings in a new place. I have adjustments when I am new at a church, but I know where I fit, I am the pastor. I might need to learn how things work in this church, or who the influencers are, how they make decisions, and whether I am expected to clean the cobwebs (seriously this has been an issue) or shovel the sidewalks in the winter. But even with all of those adjustments, I know I am the pastor, and the congregation knows I am the pastor. Where does my wife fit? Not what ministry will she serve in? But how does this group consider her? Can she have friends in this church, or is she held at arm’s length? Does she have to look a certain way, or will they accept her for her? When our children were still at home that brought in many other concerns for how some people considered her.

The point is that the spouse of a pastor does not fit neatly into any category, or at least not one that very many people understand. I wish I would have known this truth when I was starting out and I wish more pastors and spouses would be willing to talk about this phenomenon.

How do you view this issue? Here’s hoping you know where you fit.

Dennis

After 31 years of pastoral ministry I still have a lot to learn, but compared to what I knew 31 years ago I am a genius. I thought I had it together 31 years ago, but it didn’t take long to realize I don’t know much about ministry. (I think I began to realize this just after I spoke the first time as a pastor) One advantage I had when I started was that my Dad was a pastor, a good one. With all of my growing up years I had been learning about ministry even though I did not realize I was learning. There were just some things that I knew I should do and some things I knew I should not do when I started as a pastor. But even with that training, I had a lot to learn.

I realize that some things can’t be learned very well until you face them yourself, but there are some things I wish I had known when I was starting out. In my previous post I asked for help in compiling some information about what you wish you had known, or what you would like to know if you are just starting, or what you wish your pastor knew. I am going to periodically post some of these items.

I wish I knew that it is not always what you say that matters most, it is what people hear. You might be thinking that these two are the same. (My guess is that if you are thinking this, then you don’t speak in front of others very often) I assumed that when I started. Through many painful lessons I now know that what people hear matters as much, or more, than what I say.

I have learned that there are times, many, many, many times that people will hear something differently than I thought I said it. There are many reasons this phenomenon. One is that I did not really say what I thought I said. That is why it is important to study and plan your messages, speeches, or other communications. Another reason is that I used a phrase, or term, that I can be taken in more than one way. If the listener had a different meaning for a phrase or term than I intended, then we have a real disconnect. This guarantees that they will hear something different than I said. Another reason could be the background, or prejudices that the hearer came in with. Their background, or prejudices, could predispose them to hear things a certain way. If that way is different than mine, or my intention, then we have a problem. Sometimes the issue is that the hearer just doesn’t like what you are saying and therefore they hear something else in order to avoid dealing with the topic you are addressing.

There are probably other reasons for people hearing something different than was said, but I think you get the point. If I had known that sometimes people hear something different than what I say, I could have saved myself some major headaches and conflict early in my ministry. Even though I am well aware of this fact now, it still happens times. When it happens now, I am better prepared to work through the misunderstanding. When I was first starting out as a pastor my first reaction was to simply inform the person that they were wrong. (Now you understand me saying that I had a few conflicts over this subject) Those who speak and lead need to be vigilante in seeking to have those around us hear what we intend for them to hear.

What can you do to raise the percentage of people hearing what you really mean to say?

Here’s hoping that you are communicating in such a way that the people in your world hear what you say.

Dennis