Whenever my wife and I have had big decisions to make in our marriage we always came up with what we called our “non-negotiables”. These were items that needed to be present for us to go ahead with a decision. Sometimes these non-negotiables helped us not stress over a big decision because one of our non-negotiables was not available in what was being considered. As soon as we realized that then we stopped processing the possibilities and said no. We knew it wasn’t for us. A secret to our lasting 43 years and still growing and loving each other is our number one non-negotiable, that our marriage would be Christ-centered.

No matter what your belief system is you must decide what matters most to you and your spouse. You need to work on your own non-negotiables. Take some time and talk about it together. Some things on your list will be fluid. Some things will change as circumstances in your life change. One dynamic example of things changing is if you have children. Major changes will impact some things on your non-negotiable list. But there should be some things on that list don’t change no matter what. For us the top of the list not changed.

The top of our non-negotiable list is that our marriage will be Christ-centered, that divorce is not an option and that we would be a team. Without these non-negotiable items I am not sure where we would be today. Non-negotiables are not a magic formula, but that are a great foundation. This foundation is what we have built our marriage on and continue to build it today.

What are your non-negotiables?

For us, because the top of our list was that our marriage would be Christ-centered we filter our decisions through the Bible and prayer. This keeps us centered on Christ and keeps our decisions in line with Christ in action and thought. This has made all the difference for us. I would encourage you to consider following this course for your marriage.

We declared from the beginning that divorce would not be an option for us. I realize that making that declaration does not guarantee there will not be a divorce, but because this was one of our non-negotiables we never spent time contemplating it. We both agreed with this declaration. We both had examples of parents who were in it for the long haul. This laid a foundation for us that when there were problems in our relationship we did not consider divorce, instead we worked to resolve our issues.

The other top item on our list was to work as a team. At first, we didn’t really talk about this we just did because it seemed natural and it seemed like the smart way to live. We have been doing it for 43 years and it is still working. This has been true for my time as a teacher and it continues to this day as a pastor. For all the years I have coached, and the three years that she coached, we have worked together. We were a team while raising our children and at each stage of our 43 years we have been a team.

What are your non-negotiables?

It is difficult for me to separate these top items on our non-negotiables. Because we have made our marriage Christ-centered, that has empowered us to not consider divorce and to work as a team. The beauty of our non-negotiables is they have saved us a lot time and worry. There are many things that come to us as options, and most of them we don’t spend time considering because they don’t match our non-negotiables. For each option we start with our non-negotiables, does this line up with our list? If not, then we are done considering it. If it appears to line up with our top items, then we consider it and see it if it matches our other needs. Either way it makes our decisions much easier and less stressful.

What are your non-negotiables?

Here’s hoping that your foundation is solid and that you will be in your relationship for the long haul.

Dennis